The habit of retracing steps
is embedded in my mind.
It is a way of shifting the hurt
around so it doesn't settle in
one place too long.
The journey into widowhood had begun
when there was there was no choice
but to see him disapear
fragment by fragment
over a few too-short months.
From the outset we had both accepted the inevitability of imminent death but with no means to anticipate when, or how, meant each downturn came with its own price in grief.
A prognosis of two to five months is expensive on willpower. Paying by installments allows you imagine a tiny sense of the future, to appreciate the potential for living in each precious moment. You try hard not to consider the interest payments yet to be added - the total cost to your spirit when the cancer makes its final demand. Then, just when you are emotionally bankrupt, the true account comes crashing in.
Perhaps it is the profit of experience that will ultimately cover the shortfall. The currency for this stage of the journey will, in part, come from retracing the footsteps of the past. The bravery and strength to be found there, in Macfarlane's spirit, is inspirational - and fundementally healing.
mailto:macdoodle5@btinternet.com
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